Perspective

Let me tell you about a little question that everyone keeps asking me that is really starting to piss me off...

"How are you feeling?" 

It doesn't seem like a loaded inquiry.  I truly understand that everyone from family, to moms' at school,  to the cute little Trader Joe's cashier who's bagging my groceries, are genuinely curious to know, how I'm holding up.  "How are you?" is code talk for,  "It must really suck right now to be you.  Tell me about it."

But see, here's the thing.   I'm not so sure most of the world is really ready for my uncensored version of "how I am feeling." at 36 weeks pregnant, with my fifth kid.

Here is what I want to say when someone innocently asks, "How are you?"

Fat.  I don't like weighing more than my spouse, alright? 

Ginormously swollen.  From my breasts that look like they belong on someone else's body, to my belly which is displaying the lovely Linea Nigra (or whatever the F it is called), right down to my cankles.  I feel like I could earn money at the Fair right now..."Step right up!  Step right up!  Tell us where this prego's legs end, and her ankles begin and YOU WIN A PRIZE!!!"

Tired.   I grew a skeletal system today, what did you do?  I don't care what ANYone says:  growing a human being at age 38 is NOT the same as it was at 28!  Thank GAWD I had the twins first.

Uncomfortable.  Does your uterus feel like it's slapping between your knees?  Can you carry on a conversation, without gasping for air, sounding like you may go into cardiac arrest at any moment?  Do your panties become sweaty with perspiration from walking down the God Damn hallway of your house?  Do you make random grunting and groaning sounds as you try to "drift off to sleep?" 

If you answered yes to any of the above, you also must be knocked up.  Isn't it F'ing GREAT?!!!!

Seriously though, time really is going by quicker than I imagined, and I am working hard on "being in the moment" during this LAST pregnancy.  But I won't lie when I tell you that I had to make one thing crystal clear to my husband recently. "You sir, will not be getting any of this, (me, motioning to my entire body, while I snap my fingers) until you get snipped." 

He made his vasectomy appointment the next day.

Recently, my sister in law was sharing with me that after each of her 2 kids were born, she made it home the same day in time for dinner.  I sat listening, in shock....WHY would you want to go HOME?  To laundry, and groceries, and your OTHER kids?  Ohhh hell nooo.  I view the entire labor and delivery process as an extended vacation AWAY from my immediate family.

After my vaginal birth with Cosette,  the doc popped into my room the next morning to give me the okay to leave.  The hospital.  Now.  Someone else needs your bed, and you're taking up space AND costing us money.

Doc:  How's your pain today, Michelle?

Me:  Doc, before I give you the details of my pain, let me tell you about what's going on at home.  I have 3 small children aged 5 and under.  You can't even gage my pain level right now.  I mean, where do I start?  How much time do you have?  (Do you hear the violin music?) 

Doc:  Okay, I understand.  Why don't you leave day after tomorrow?

Me:  YOU ROCK.  You have just been officially added to my Christmas card list.

Why in the world would I leave a place that does the following:  Brings me food when I request it.  Yes, you read that right.  I push a red button, and some nice person brings me juice and graham crackers with peanut butter.  At home, this scenario is reversed. 

I also get to watch TV, uninterrupted, in the MIDDLE of the DAY.  OMG!!!  Seriously? 

I can have the baby taken to the nursery so I can actually get some sleep, and someone will bring the baby back to me when it's time to nurse.  I think I must be dreaming.

And best of all, the nice nurses at Kaiser offer me Vicodin ever 4-8 hours.  That's what I'm talking about. 

Yes, you too, can do this each and every time you have a baby if you so desire.  The invitation is open: please come see me after I deliver.  Because if history repeats itself, I'll be at Kaiser,  for at least 3 days.

We can catch up, watch Oprah, and play Scrabble.  But would you please do me a favor?  Bring some wine.