Shopping Day

Costco looooves me.  Seriously, they adore me.  When they see me arrive every Monday like clockwork,  the workers yell out to each other, "She's baaaack!  The lady who has that damn gaggle to feed, is baaaack!  And can you believe she's pregnant AGAIN?!  Umhummmmm, she keeps us in business, yes, she do."

You know how there are some people who claim they could never eat that size/portion/amount of food in a week?  NOT the Walsh fam.  We go through it.  Often, when having my receipt checked before I am allowed to go free back into the outside world and beyond, the Costco employee, always wants to make sure s/he has got it right, "TWO breads?  THREE apples?  TWO bananas?  TWO grapes?  FOUR kids?"

I mean, where else in the world can you purchase milk, eggs, enough tampons to last a lifetime, car tires, AND a dogbed?  Make no mistake about it.  Costco is the only way to shop with a brood as big as ours.

My number one rule at Costco is this:  stay focused.  I hear folks all the time say, "If I even go into that place, I drop 500 bucks."  If it ain't on the list, you no buy.  I don't care how cute/fuzzy/useful the item may seem at the time.  Portable air conditioner...is it on the list?  Car mats that come in a variety of colors...are they on the list?  A wooden playground the size of a small country...is it on the list?  That one rule saves me each week, and ensures that I spend within my budget.  Although, sometimes, I will admit, I feel beckoned to the beer/wine/hard alcohol section...just to browse.  Really.

I navigate Costco in a very methodical fashion.  Before I learned my OCD route, I would get stuck behind the Jewelry Specialty section that was  visiting only until Mother's Day.  Or a specialty one-size-fits-all  Sundress area, where small, medium, large and extra-large women flock, like moths to a flame.

Generally, my shopping experience tends to go smoothly, and the mission is completed within 30-45 minutes. 

UNLESS I encounter several assholes in a row who happen to leave their carts in the middle of the fucking aisle.  Seriously?  RIGHT in the middle?  Pick a side...left or right.  But no, these shoppers in particular, are clueless, get distracted by the whizzing blender man, and leave their shit right in the middle of the aisle.  With no forethought whatsoever, to the GIGANTIC obstacle s/he has created for all of the other Costco members.  This selfish act, requires me to leave my 4 year old, unattended, which anyone knows is a dangerous act in and of itself, to move some other member's cart.  Next  time, I'm stealing a purse.  Fuck this, being polite bullshit.

And  what's up with thumping the watermelons?  At first, I believed it was only specific races who thumped.  But I have come to find, that several people believe that thumping will give them the PERFECT melon.  You would think people are searching for a million dollars or the cure to cancer.  I refuse to thump, just because they DO thump.  And you know what?  My melons are pretty close to perfection.  And my watermelon doesn't taste bad, either.

Although, the handy sample snack people located at the end of each aisle, seem like a good idea.  They actually create a bottleneck.  You will find new mothers, bolting away from their infant babies, to grab a sample of a fucking begal bite, like it will be the last time they will ever eat.  I become especially annoyed by the people who take,  like 5 samples at a time.  WTF?  Leave some for the rest of us.  Hold on a minute, aren't  you the asshole who left their cart in the middle of the aisle over in the bread section? 

When I check out, I feel like I should wear my Weight Watchers badge, so the clerk will stop asking me, "Anything from the food court today?"  What I want to say is, "Do you know how many grams of FAT are in your hotdogs?  Do I look like I want a piece of pizza the size of my Costco cart?  I just spent 200 dollars on FOOD, do I look like I need an ice cream coffee latte that comes in a bucket?"

But after surviving the negligent middle-of-aisle-cart-shoppers, the Jewelry Show, and the Thumpers, I reply, "No thank you."  Every. Single. Week.  And they nod and smile, knowing that I will be baaaaaack next Monday.