I have come to a life changing decision recently: I want to be an Elk. I want to embody the entire experience of what it means to be a Grand Pu-Ba. One day, I will run for office and be the Exalted Ruler. S/he does have a prominent parking spot in the lot, dontcha know?
Just flash back to scenes from the Flinestones, where Fred and Barney go to hang out with other "studly" men, (which is open to interpretation), and you've got today's Elks Club. Although women are allowed on the premises, I have come to believe that it is purely for the gawking satisfaction of the elder male observers.
That being said, allow me to examine all of the things that The Elks Club has to offer:
First, and foremost, a bar. Does it have dark wooden panels lining the walls? Does the carpet smell dank and disgusting? Are the seats made of a fabricated pleather, that your ass sticks to as you get up? YES. It's like a flashback to 1970, but it's okay, man. It's the Elks Club. And let me tell you, the bar offers people watching at its finest. You've got the older, hard-core, retired Elks, who just park it at the bar and drink...my guess would be, all day long. Why not, right? They have nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. Unless you count, stumbling to their RV, which is parked out in the lot.
Which brings me to number two: a place to park your RV. Hell, you can even LIVE in your RV at The Elks Club. I'm not sure what the fee is for that. But just think about it for a second. Being old and retired, and taking a cross country road trip, let's say, to see the grand kids. Load it up, and stay at your friendly, local Elks Lodges along the way. That also have bars. And young MILF's, with their kids at the pool. Now that's what I call one-stop shopping.
And how could I forget the POOL?!! The pool totally rocks. There is no life guard on duty, which means you actually need to REALLY watch your kids. But that's what the twins are for! The Elks Club also has lounge chairs. Like 5 of them. But nonetheless, if you want to fight some elderly smoker lady, who's belting out her rendition of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" because she's three sheets to the wind, for one of those 5 lounge chairs, it could be a good time.
There are some things though, they you just have roll with at The Elks Club. For example, being stalked by older men who have consumed a lot of alcohol. It's all innocent...but still.
Just yesterday while I was there, I met a nice, older "gentleman", his wife, and GREAT-grand kids. He and I conversed about raising children, and where his four daughters are living now, yadda, yadda, yadda.
It was all fine and good, until I got up to walk to the bathroom, and he yelled out across the pool deck, "LOOK AT THE FIGURE ON THAT ONE! LOOK AT THAT FIGURE! NICE TAN!!!" I like how he considers me to first of all, even have a figure. Considering that after 5 babies, I'm rocking a bit of a mama muffin top and some silvery stretch marks. But hey man, I'll take the compliment, from the elderly, drunk, stalker Elk.
Mind you, as he was screaming that out, his very sweet wife, of at least 50 years, sat next to him.
And then there was the 4th of July celebration. Which involved cake walks, and hula hoop contests. And a sack race on the aggregate concrete.
As the Grand Pu-Ba lined the dozen or so kids up to start the race, I wondered, when is he going to move those kids to the GRASS? But ohhh, nooo. The horn blew, and those kids bounced across the pavement with all their might. OHMYGOD! I thought, the Grand Pu-Ba is loaded, and doesn't realize that a kid could crack their head open, or break an arm.
This left me with only one choice: scream at the top of my lungs to my 4 girls, "WIN!!! WIN IT ALL!!"
Like I said, one day I will be The Exalted Ruler.
I would like to clarify a few things in your blog. Although I believe that any publicity is good for a Lodge, there are a few points in your blog that are somewhat in error.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Fred and Barney’s order of the buffalo had very distinctive head gear. The Elks do not.
A couple of points that you may not have been aware of, Women have always been allowed on the premises but only since 1996 were allowed to become members and many have gone on to hold offices throughout the order.
Granted our lodge is very fortunate to have a member’s lounge, RV parking and a pool, but many do not. Point of fact, our lodge was built in the 1960’s but was renovated with new carpet, paint and wall coverings just this past March. Our RV park is a home away from home for many Elks from all over the country and most notably for a family from Nevada whom the husband and father of 3 waited for a heart to become available for a transplant at Stanford, whom we hope we made feel at home.
I admit that we do have many elderly males as members that come down to the lodge on a regular basis – this was definitely an old boys club – maybe they come in for an adult beverage (well within their budget), but more so for fellowship of friends and other members.
I have been a member of this lodge for about 7 years now, but have not had the opportunity to meet an elderly smoking lady sitting in any lounge chair by the pool belting out the words to “My Way” – but, if you really want to have some fun, come to one of our Karaoke nights – you will find our members really do sing it their way and I assure you there is an array of talent.
As for our pool furniture, It does wear out and we attempt to replace what we can on a yearly basis and have it on the very large list of “to do’s” – however, I believe you miscounted.
As for some of the red-blooded American boys at the lodge who do enjoy looking at pretty women, I have no comment. However, we do not permit rude and off color remarks and this should be reported to either the office staff or an officer of the Lodge immediately.
Now we come down to the 4th of July - I think you have misidentified the players – It was the D.J. who conducted the sack race – I assure you that you are not the only person who thought that the venue for his sack race might have been in error. I did notice that the kids weren’t complaining in the least, and all the sacks were full.
A few points I would like to make about the Elks, who we are and what we do.
1)This past year 189 Lodges from California and Hawaii donated over 3M dollars to our Major Project (Purple Pig) in which 96 cents of every dollar goes to help handicapped children from across these two states. Every state in the US has a similar major project of this nature.
2)The Elks organization awards more scholarships than any other private organization in America, and is in fact, second only to the US government.
3)In just the past 3 months, our lodge has worked with a group to package 125,000 food packets for the needy, worked with the local community on projects requiring volunteers, donated over $30,000 to charity and also have plans to work with other local non profits.
The Elks are dedicated to working with children and veterans – which you will find many of the latter, as members of our order.
So, if a spill hasn’t been cleaned up, if I have to bring my own chair to the pool, or if an older gentleman smiles at me letting me know he’s remembering his younger days ( I would probably kiss him on the cheek) – I believe I can let it slide – because all things considered – I am proud to be an Elk.
Michele
Michele,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your clarification, as I am not officially an Elk, as of yet! We are the family where our young girls won the Vodka t-shirts on 4th of July after the sack race on the concrete :) You are a cool mama, and can't wait to get to know you better. All of your points are well stated, my dear.
Enjoyed your blog, but wanted to comment about a few of your comments. Yes, I was excited when I was Exalted Ruler to get to park right up front. That was only because I spent so much time at the Lodge it made my arrival and get-away faster.
ReplyDeleteI have only been a member for 6 years but never had any kind issues because I was a women. Most of the male members say that the wives and women volunteers did most of the work around the Lodge so it was nice that they can now be memebers.
I know that Elks are known for drinking, but we also need to start tooting our horns about all the good work we do. Michele's blog contained many of those worthwhile projects.
I know that some of the things that occur at times makes me scratch my head in wonder, but at the end of the day...I am proud to be an Elk and hope you will consider moving forward to become part of a great and dedicated group of men and women.
Chris