Well, I Never...

Remember when you used to say stuff like, "I will never..." fill in the blank here.  The phrase, in and of itself, is pure comedy.  Because all of us, at sometime, were in someplace, with someone, doing something, that we swore we would never do.

Unless you're a total SQUARE.  But I'm thinking if you're reading this right now, you're more of a groovy shape, like a circle or an octagon.

When we judge others, and feel the right to say things like, "Look at that crazy man / woman / man dressed as a woman!!  Well, I would never..."  we lose sight of ourselves.  We lose sight of our OWN flaws, and our OWN imperfections, and are really striving to feel greater than thou.  So let's check ourselves, shall we?

I, myself, have said things like the following:

I'll never...have more than 4 kids cause that's just plain crazy talk.  Yeah, FIVE kids, and one vasectomy later...

 I'll never...be the floozy who tries to sneak past the bouncer at Boswell's to save a measly 5 dollar cover charge.  I mean, who does that?!  Whaaat?  WHAAAT?!  It was cold, and I really had to pee, and...

 I'll never...let my kids play out front without shoes, or a jacket, or unsupervised.  When in reality, at this point, I lock the door to keep them OUT, even if for some reason, the five year old ends up in just her panties.  Which has happened by the way...

I'll never...nurse in public.  Who wants to see droopy, leaky, nasty boobies?  I'll tell you who wants those saggy pieces of skin ...my screaming, hungry, inconsolable baby.  Hey man, these are working boobies, not trophy boobies, so if it grosses you out, guess what?  I seriously don't care.

 If I could throw my boob over the back seat and nurse while driving, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  If I could pump while waiting to check out at Safeway, I totally would.  I could totally offer organic creamer at the Starbucks kiosk, and probably make some extra cash for my goods.   Imagine the possibilities...

I'll never forget when a close girlfriend of mine, who is thin, with a naturally fast metabolism (yes, people like this actually DO exist),  shared something with me not long ago.  She said, "Michelle, why do people think it's okay to say to me, 'You are so skinny.  Look at you...you must weigh hardly anything.'  They mean it as a compliment, but I'm sensitive about my weight.   I certainly can't go up to them, and say, 'Gee, your ass looks huge.  Do you EVER stop eating?'"

Things that make you go hmmm....

When I had lost about 80 pounds, and was just a few more away from goal, a new woman joined our Weight Watchers group.  And I could just tell, as she gave me the once over, that she was thinking, "What in the HELL is SHE doing here?  She has nothing to worry about."

I  mean, this woman didn't know me from Adam. She had no idea that I had 3 small kids that I forced into a jogger at gunpoint everyday, so I could get a walk in.  She had no inkling of how I had struggled with my weight from the time I was 8 years old.  She didn't know that I had suffered from Bulimia on and off for years.

How could she?  She was too busy judging me.

But see, here's what you and I already know.  Her judgement had nothing to do with ME.  But rather, was really about her own insecurities and lack of self esteem. And maybe even a fear of failure. So recognizing this, I try to be mindful before going postal.  I try to stay calm.  I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt, so to speak.

But boy, it's really hard  to do that some days.  So why don't we make a pact right now, okay?   When we are feeling judged by another human being, let's send them a little bit of sunshine.  Right up their ass, is usually the most effective spot.

By the way, I would love to hear how you once said, you would NEVER, only to find out that down the road, you did...