Love Thyself

So I've noticed that I'm looking a bit "crepe-y" lately.  Not to be confused with "creepy".  My under eye area is looking saggy, and dark, and well, TIRED.  I've noticed the same thing about my neck...and my decolletage.  Like, what the hell am I doing with age spots?!  I'm only 38 years old God Dammit.

And so the negative voice comes alive good and loud within my head.  It says, "Damn Michelle, you're looking spent.  Old.  Forghetta 'bout the make up, cause it's not doing anything for you.  And your hair?  It's dry and dull.  Yikes...look at all that gray."  I try to turn down the volume of that voice, but some days it just won't shut up, you know?

After I lost 90 pounds, I thought I would be happy!  I mean, who wouldn't be happy, right?  I really thought that if I got to my goal weight, love and sunshine and light would take over my life.  How WRONG I was.

When I achieved my goal, that negative voice was louder than ever.  And I was left with one thought:  I need help.  I better find a good counselor.  There's something else going on here, cause this ain't about the bread basket.

Contrary to what we all think, whatever vice we are using to self-medicate, whether it's food, or alcohol, or shopping, NONE of that will fill the emptiness and void that is lurking within our hearts.  NOTHING can fill that hole except for one thing:  Loving thyself.  Accepting thyself.  Forgiving thyself.

Chocolate won't do it.

Wine...well, wine takes the edge off, but that won't do it either.

 And shopping for some really cute shoes, that distracts us for about a minute.

But facing our own demons will.  Staring them straight in the face and telling them to back the hell down, works rather well.

Think about it...when we mess up, what does our the internal dialogue say?  "You can't do this.  You messed up again.  You're a failure.  You're weak."

Would we EVER talk to our best friend that way?  Absolutely not.  Then why oh why, do we give ourselves permission to speak in such an unflattering and hateful way about ourselves?

Often times, in my WW meeting, my members will say, "I was really 'good' this week."  Or "It's no wonder I didn't lose weight...I was 'bad'."  We are not dogs.  We are not 'good' or 'bad'.  We learn from our experiences to become better people and make better choices.

So here's what I'm working on...recognizing that voice when it starts speaking.  And turning the damn volume OFF.

Yes, I'm getting older.  Yes, I'm looking a bit tired.  But that's okay.  I'm okay.  I'm lovable, even though I'm looking old and tired.

"Change the voices in your head...learn to like you instead." Pink