Burke Williams is My New Best Friend

No, seriously though, Burke is my new bff. Is Burke a male or female? Is Burke living or dead? Real or imaginary? It doesn't even matter, because I can honestly say, I can die happy now. For those of you that have NO idea what I am talking about, google Burke Williams Spa, and go there.now.right now. There are several locations to serve you.

My former best friend, Alyson, came down for a visit this past weekend. She has since been replaced by Burke Williams. At the last minute on Saturday, we booked massages, but the only availability was at 9 PM. Holy Shnikes, I thought to myself, I usually turn into a pumpkin by then. Especially after dancing my sober pregnant ass to Fergie until almost 11 the night before.

But after the nice person on the telephone told us we could have "access to the facilities" prior to our appointments, we were drawn to Burke Williams like moths to a flame...like peanut butter to jelly...like a college kid to a keg party...like a mom who really wanted to get the hell away from her kids, like pronto.

So away we went, not really knowing what to expect, but craving solitude all the same. When we arrived, we were greeted warmly, and our appointments confirmed.

Receptionist: So we have two relaxing massages at 9 pm?

Me: Actually, I'm pregnant, so I need a prego massage.

Receptionist: Ohhhhhh, well, let me offer you a bath in lieu of using the facilities.

Me (realizing she has to offer this due to liability for pregos using hot tubs and saunas) Ummm, no thank you, I can take a bath at home. This is baby number five. I will use my keen mommy senses and not overheat.

Receptionist: Okay, sure. It is just that some pregnant women want to be really cautious.

Me (pointing to my tummy): Yeah, well being careful isn't exactly my "A" game.

As we entered the women's area, serenity oozed out of the walls. After getting undressed, we slipped on Burke's robes and slippers. I stepped into a shower that was as big as the floor plan of the downstairs of my house. As the warm water cascaded down my back, I experimented with the knobs a bit. I could live in here, I thought to myself...with large liters full of yummy smelling body wash, shampoo and conditioner.

As I wrapped a towel around myself, I noticed some younger women walking around gingerly in bathing suits. I made a mental note to myself, thinking, it if I was still in my twenties, I would have probably packed a bathing suit too. But after delivering four babies vaginally, I just really don't care anymore. There is something freeing about getting old and saggy, you know? Embrace it women!

Aly and I ventured to the beautiful, elevated hot tub; which was really the size of a small swimming pool. There was only one other woman in the tub, totally relaxed, and content, who was not wearing a bathing suit. Before I go on, I would like to clarify that I am heterosexual. However, I do love and appreciate women's bodies...what they can do, how strong we are, and frankly, how lovely we are.

As this woman turned to talk to Alyson and I, I could not help but look at her fantastic breasts. I mean, they were PERFECT! Not plastic surgery perfect. I am talking like round, firm, medium sized cantaloupes, ripening in the sun, perfect. My first thought was, she has NOT nursed a baby. My second thought was, if I had breasts like that, I would give up wearing shirts. I had to actually work on making eye contact with her. But the cool thing was, I didn't feel self conscience of my pregnant torpedo boobies; I was just mentally appreciating hers, without appearing to be a stalker. The added bonus was that she was very sweet. When she left, both Aly and I agreed, those were the most beautiful breasts we had ever seen.

Next was the sauna, which had a menthol essence about it. I have a love/hate relationship with the sauna...it's really relaxing, right up til I feel like I am going to suffocate from the steam. It's that part of not being able to see my hand two inches from my face that sort of creeps me out.

And on it went like this for the two hours leading up to our massage. Cascading shower, glorious hot tub, menthol sauna...a little bit at a time, careful not to overheat. I must have used at least 5 towels and 3 washclothes in that time frame. It wasn't my damn laundry. It was Burke's laundry. There was even a quiet room; but anyone who knows me well, understands that Michelle in a quiet room is not exactly a ying and yang relationship.

When my massage therapist arrived, she gently placed her hand on my back, and led me to our room. The massage was just the cherry on top.

My former bff, Alyson, even paid for my massage! I mean, seriously, could the day GET any better? I would only change one thing: next time I go to Burke Williams, I will arrive when the doors open, and leave at closing time. I highly recommend this experience before you pass onto the afterlife. I'm not kidding.