Knocked Up

Pregnant women put out. I mean, there is no denying it...the proof is RIGHT there in the pudding, so to speak. As I gaze upon the beautiful growing belly of a glowing pregnant woman, I often think to myself, I know exactly how you got yourself into that predicament sister. Been there, done that, have the postcard.

My husband and I didn't know if we could even get pregnant. The Readers Digest version is: he had a vasectomy with his first wife, and then had it reversed for Chapter two with me. We prayed that things would work out the way God intended. Shortly afterwards, I peed on a stick to see the coveted PLUS sign!

At 16 weeks along, I was scheduled for my first ultrasound. My excitement was BURSTING at the seams. I just couldn't wait to actually see this little nugget that was growing inside of me.

The ultrasound technician slapped some cold jelly on my belly, and proceeded with her special tool. "Ohhhhh, let's see how many little people are in here," she said.

Huh?! She actually sees something? I don't see JACK! It looks like amoebas swimming in a dark pool of water.

She continued, "Ohhhh, I see we have twins here." WTF? What the hell did you just say? What?!!! ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?! What? What? WHAT????????
My husband was hooting and hollering like the Niners had just scored a touchdown, while I lay on the table, crying, asking the technician if everything was okay. Does everyone have their fingers? Their toes? Their eyelids?

It was at this moment I had a huge epiphany, a defining moment in my life, really. As much as I think I am in control here, I am SO not in control. God has a plan, and most times, I just wish I knew what the hell it was.

Immediately after the ultrasound, I grabbed my "What to Expect When You're Expecting", searching for solace, yearning for the author to tell me, "Michelle, you will be okay." Instead, all I found were all of the risks that come with a multiple pregnancy. And criteria that I did not meet to even conceive twins!

Do twins run in your family? No. Are you 35 or over? Nope. Are you African American? A blond haired blue eyed black person...um, no, although some family members may beg to differ that point.

I truly believe pregnancy is one of the most amazing times in a woman's life. Sure, we pack on the pounds like a football player doing double days, and yes, our ankles resemble the trunks of trees, while our faces morph into shapes that kind of resemble what we normally look like without retaining 50 pounds of water weight. With all of that being said, it really is a pretty amazing journey. However, there are some misconceptions about pregnancy, and I would like to address these before I continue:

1. We are NOT pregnant for 9 months. It is 40 weeks, people. 40 weeks divided by 4 weeks per month = 10. TEN, TEN, TEN months! Not 9. And whether you are carrying one baby, or 5 babies, those last 4 weeks totally count towards our raging bitterness and anger.

2. Pregnant women should cut out alcohol (okay), smoking (ewwww), and caffeine (Really?). Seriously...I can't have a cup of Joe in the morning? But when I am in labor, the nurse asks me if I want narcotics to "take the edge off"? Okay, I don't know if they are narcotics, but whatever she gave me straight knocked me out! The doctor was waking me up to push. Helllloooo? No coffee, but hard core drugs? Really? I have decided from now on, I'll cry like a baby at 2cm, to ensure I will get my epidural by the time I'm actually at 5cm, thank you very much.

3. Nursing is easy. Okaay, riiiiight. Determined to tandem nurse the twins, I had a lactation consultant come into my room. While she manhandled my breasts, she instructed, "It is imperative to get a good latch on. Make sure the baby has your entire nipple in their mouth," she said as she quickly shoved Abby's head toward my chest. I'm looking at her thinking, well lady, my nipple is as big as her whole head, so this should be interesting...

It still totally amazes me that one minute, you can have two people in your family, and then the next, there are three (or in our case, four). I mean that right there, is an entirely different picture on the Christmas card.

It sounds simple, this human anatomy thing. But when you really think about it...two people who love each other can unite and actually make another little person? WOW. And I get the opportunity to grow that person? Double WOW.

Swollen ankles and water retention be damned...nothing compares to holding new life that you have created with someone that you love deeply. Nothing at all...except maybe watching that little nugget sleep, not knowing exactly what the future holds, but knowing without a doubt, this little person is absolutely supposed to be part of your life...to teach us, to humble us, and at times, bring us to our knees.