Parenthood: Pure, Hard Core Survival Skills

My mom chased me around the house and smacked my butt with a wooden spoon, and I turned out all right. I'll never forget the day when that wooden spoon broke on my ass, and I started laughing, thinking that was just heeeelarious: she straight went for the METAL spoon, and I ran like the wind.

Anyone who has kids knows it's US against THEM. I am certainly not promoting the "Children are to be seen, and not heard" motto. Although, most days that sounds really appealing. I'm just stating the truth. When you have kids, it's all about survival.

Life was waaaay different BK (Before Kids) For example:

BK - Problem: All milk in the home has been consumed. Solution: Go to Safeway and take your leisurely ass time getting there. Maybe even stop to have the car washed and detailed. Get to the grocery, put some milk in your cart, check out the items on special, and actually compare prices to save money. Finally, stop to read People magazine, so that you can be up to date on REALLY important current events: Like how Bobby hit Whitney, and she just ain't having it.

AK (After Kids). Problem: All milk in the home has been consumed. Solution: That is just too damn bad. Everyone is gonna have to drink water, or V-8 juice, or Vodka... ANYthing, so you don't have to pack them all up to go to the grocery store.

Being the blessed mama of 4 girls, I have come up with the following list of parenting guidelines to ensure that life runs as smoothly as possible. (ha,ha,ha)

1. Children WILL behave while out in public. Not because I bribe them with an Avatar action figure, Snickers bar, or trip to Disneyland when we're done grocery shopping. The precedent is simply this: my girls will behave while we're out. I'm not saying that my girls are angels... no way. But I refuse to bribe them with a material object so that they will "behave". That realm of thinking is SO putting the child in control. And anyone who knows me, understands that there is only room for ONE control freak in my house, thank you very much.

2. Before yelling, or chasing, or smacking your kids with a wooden spoon, CLOSE ALL OF YOUR WINDOWS. This will ensure that your neighbors won't call CPS on you.

3. Happy Hour begins any damn time I feel like it will help me be a better parent. Sometimes it starts at 6pm, but some days it starts at 3pm. I'm okay with it; aren't you?

4. Look at each of your children as individuals. Just because each child has the same up-bringing, doesn't mean that the consequences/disciplinary strategies that worked with #1, will work with #2, #3, or #4. Example: Cosette, my fourth child, has been given the nickname of "No Boundaries", because seriously, she has NONE. You would think that by the time you get to #4, I would have this whole parenting thing down, huh? Wrong-a-mondo. Each child that comes into our lives, is here to teach us something different. Cosette has taught me FEAR.

5. Be active WITH your children. I don't mean just watching them participate in a sport, but actually DO an activity with them. Our Saturday mornings usually go like this:

Girls: "Mom, what are we doing today?"
Me: "We're going on a really cool hike."
Girls: (collectively and really loudly) "Ohhhhh Mom, we don't WANT to go on a hike!"
Me: (shutting the window): "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE THAT YOU HAVE A MOM THAT WANTS TO TAKE YOU ON A HIKE? DO YOU? DO YOU? DOOOO YOOOOOUUUU?!!!"

Most of the time, my girls will fight me on this. But always, we are ALL so much better after we get out, and move our bodies together. I want my girls to realize and own how STRONG they are. It is my hope, one day they will thank me for it... but I'm not holding my breath.


6. Unless you are bleeding profusely, do not ask me for a band-aid.

7. It's okay to say NO. Having four, I just automatically learned to say no. "Mom, can I just have one cupcake?"..."NO". "Mom, can I go see the neighbors with the chickens who are down the street, out of your eyesight?"..."NO". "Mom, can I trade you a People magazine for a bag of marshmellows?"..."Maybe." Remember, always allow for flexibility.

8. Let your kids be problem solvers. You know the scene: one of your kids has viciously snatched Barbie from the hands of another, and the screaming and ranting begins. "MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! She......." In a monotone, unemotional voice, I say, "Work it out." Then I go back to drinking my glass of wine and reading People. I DO NOT get involved, partly because I'm just too lazy, but mostly because I want my girls to be able to solve their own problems.

9. Remember to snuggle. This one speaks for itself.

10. Gently remind yourself each day, that you ARE doing a good job of parenting.

Hey man, this job doesn't come with a handbook. Some days I feel confident in my parenting ability. But other days, I'm just convinced that twenty years from now, my girls will be sitting on some counselor's couch because I messed them up. However it plays out, I feel blessed beyond words that God has given me the opportunity to be their mama. I am humbled daily that I get to help mold these little people so that one day, they too, will go out and make their mark on the world.