Ahhh, The Teenage Years

I can't believe my parents let me live out my teen years. Before I tell you all of the misdemeanors I have committed, let me briefly explain my family background.

My dad, Tom, was a butcher by trade. My dad rose up at 3:30 AM so he could be done with his work day early enough to see my brothers and I after school. My dad worked extra hours on Saturdays, and worked through vacation time to support our family.

My mom, Carol, was a homemaker. You can call her Carol. Or you can call her "The Silver Fox", a nickname she has endearingly earned due to premature graying. I just call her "Foxy". Foxy was an at home mom like no other. She was a coffee drinking, cigarette smoking, cleaning machine! My mom prepared a home-cooked meal every single night. And we sat down as a family to eat it every. single. night.

I can't stress enough, how hard my parents worked to raise us right, and earn enough money to give us something neither of them had: a college education.

Now, if you will, think back to high school. Identify the worst trouble maker you could imagine...you know, the kid who slammed boxed wine in the locker room after running the mile and 1/2 in PE? The kid who was smoking a big fat doobie out in the school parking lot? The kid who ditched school, not for a day, but for a week at a time, to drink boxed wine and smoke doobies? Name ring a bell?

Well, that WAS NOT me. Yes, I got into a little mischief here and there. But compared to both of my academically gifted brothers, I'm sure my parents were convinced at times, I was the spawn of Satan. I was on my own bus and consequences just didn't mean a damn thing.

I was about 19 when I came home to a horrid discovery: my mom had "cleaned out" my closet. How DARE she?!! Anyone who is between the ages of 13-19 KNOWS, your closet is one place that keep all of the "stuff" you are hiding from your parents. Instead of becoming fearful of what she had found, I was livid that she had violated MY privacy (in HER home)!

Now that I'm a parent, I'd be on the sidelines cheering for my Mom, "Find the goods Carol. Use your keen Foxy senses, like a bloodhound. Smoke em out. Nothing can stop you, Silver Fox!"

Silver Fox (SF): "Michellllle, I cleaned out your closet today."

Me: (unfazed) "Uh-huh."

SF: "Michelllllle, do you know what I found?"

Me: (looking rather annoyed): "I have no idea Mom."

SF: "A bottle of Southern Comfort, a six pack of beer, and some Boone's wine."

Me: "I'm holding those for a friend."

SF: "Well, Michelllle, I found something else. It upsets me. I found a pregnancy test. Are you holding this for a friend?" holding the test out in my direction.

Me: (grabbing it from her) "Nope, that's mine."

OMG... I think back to that day and just cringe. My poor mom. Poor Foxy, I probably took like 22 years off of her life, with one sentence.

My narcissistic/"the world revolves around me" attitude, led me to pursue endeavors my brothers would never partake in (or at least, get caught doing). For example, how to sneak out at night.

Curfew at Midnight? No problem. I would come home, be LOUD enough so my parents knew that I had come home (slam the front door, run the water, flush the toilet). Then I would proceed to creep back out through the kitchen, go through the garage door, and exit through the side gate.

All the while, my girlfriend, who shall remain nameless because her kids are almost old enough to read and comprehend this, would wait...in the dark, in her ultra cool Bronco truck...for me. So that we could go back to our delinquent ways of cruising the El Camino or eating at Denny's.

And so it went like this for a long time: come home at curfew, sneak back out, come back home again after my dad left for work, but before my mom woke up. We're talking about a 30 minute window here. It was all working out better than I had ever dreamed...until one fateful night, or should I say, morning?

I snuck back through the side gate, into the garage, and finally arrived at the kitchen. The only light on was the kitchen stove top. Okay, nothing out of the ordinary.

JUST as I was about to make my way to the hallway, something happened that still haunts me today. Out of the darkness, in the corner of the family room, the Lazy Boy chair slowly swiveled to face me, but I could see no one. I could see nothing...except the dark, crimson embers of the end of Foxy's cigarette. BUSTED!

I don't have to tell you how that ended. Can you say, grounded for life?!

Mom, I just want to take this opportunity to say I am sorry. I was an inconsiderate, selfish, and uncaring butthead. I'm sorry for any angst or worry or frustration that I caused you, 'cause I'm thinking it was a lot. I know payback is a bitch, Mom. That's why God gave me four daughters, huh, Mom? Isn't it? (sobbing like a baby in the fetal position).

Silver Fox (unfazed): "Uh-huh."