FOCUS!!!!

As I strolled into the school office to pick up Bella early for an appointment, I was greeted by another Mama.  One I have grown very fond of over our elementary school years together.    I don't know her really well, but she puts out a good vibe, you dig?

"You grabbing your kids?"  I asked.
"Yep.  We're going to the Orthodontist," she replied, "How about you?"
"Me?  Oh, we're going to the Psychiatrist."

I felt like I was playing a game called, "Who's Family is More Mentally Unstable?"  I mean, how many 10 year olds do you know that go to a PSYCHIATRIST?  Let me clarify by saying that  I am not ashamed, embarrassed, or freaked out that we go to counseling or the Psychiatrist.  But most folks, who are being seen by mental health professionals, keep it on the DL. 

Not me.  Let's talk about the big pink elephant in the room, shall we?  In fact, just the other day, one of my Weight Watcher members said, "Michelle, I have had about 6 different WW leaders.  But you're the only one who says, let's be real with ourselves.  Let's figure out the REAL reason why we are using food."  Cause we can talk about points, and snack tips, and exercising til we are blue in the face...and STILL STRUGGLE because we refuse to dig deeper.

I simply replied, "Well, I'm sure your other leaders didn't spend thousands of dollars in therapy, like I have."

When I became a mama, I didn't think for a second, that any of my kids would have a Learning Disability.  That is NOT the kind of shit you see on the Pampers commercials, you know?  By the time the twins entered Kindergarten, I was jumping for joy, naively thinking, "I'm FINALLY going to get a break!"  I had just given birth to Cosette, Emma had started Preschool, and I had two 5 year olds in school for 4 hours...I actually considered it a "break".  HAHAHA.

There were definitely little red flags that the girls were struggling, that I just didn't recognize at the time.  Mainly, because I was a sleep deprived, first time mama of school age kids.  And partly because, Kindergarten had changed two-fold in the last 30 years.  Expecting my 5 year olds to read, seemed, a little...um....overzealous.  I thought, "What the hell happened to Circle Time?"

By the time, Bella hit second grade, she "got" that she had fallen significantly behind.  She would come home and sob about it.  "Mama, it's so hard.  I don't understand.  Everyone else is ahead of me."  Do you know how that tore me up?  My baby's confidence was crumbling, and she was only SEVEN years old.

 Calmly, I told Bella, "Honey, you have so many other gifts that are not being graded in school.  You are an amazing artist, singer, and a kind, and caring friend.  All Mom and Dad ask is that you do your best."  But these words didn't matter because she didn't believe them. 

We all know what if feels like to be left behind.  When everyone else is "getting it" except us.  Or when we are picked last for the team.  It sucks.  It doesn't feel good.  And it feels like the world is coming down around us.

You would think that the school district wants the best for your child, right?  Especially if they are falling behind?  Especially if their confidence is dwindling faster than a Kenyan running a hundred yard dash?  NOPE.  I had to fight, tooth and nail, to get the twins tested to determine where their inefficiencies were.  I felt like I had to convince them, "I'm not making this shit up.  My girls are struggling....please HELP me, so I can help THEM."    But testing costs time and  money.... After realizing that I was not going to stop stalking them, the twins were tested.  It seems that they were both "low", but not "low" enough to receive Resource help or a tutor.  In fact, a child must be TWO years BELOW grade level to qualify for help.  WTF?

Feeling frustrated and defeated, I took Bella to see a Developmental Pediatrician, hoping he could shed some light on why Bella was struggling so much.  (Side note, Abby was still having a hard time, and was behind, but was holding her own.)  He looked at her testing from the district.  He asked Bella a few questions.  He diagnosed her with ADHD, inattentive form.  He recommended meds.  All in about 20 minutes.

I walked out thinking, he could take a flying F'ing leap, because there is NO WAY I'm drugging my baby.  The Hell If...  F Off.  You know, all the typical "denial" type monologue we play in our heads, when we are not ready to deal with the truth. 

I mean, sure I had to yell "FOCUS BELLA" at least 20 times during homework.  And yes, several times, I had to clap my hands in front of her face, to bring her back to reality.  But the doctor diagnosing her, was like saying she was "damaged goods".  You can't tell a mama her baby is broken, and expect her to accept that info with open arms, you know?

And so, there I lived, in Denial.  I researched on the Internet for hours on end, trying to find a way to help my daughter.  I tried a high protein diet.  I added Omega vitamins into the mix.  After Bella started wearing tinted glasses to reduce glare, we started Vision Therapy.  And as 2 more years passed, Bella's learning gap became bigger.  Her confidence plummeted.  And I started to understand and accept that what I was doing, wasn't working.

In the meantime, I pursued getting a 504 Plan in place for each one of the twins.  For those of you not familiar with LD lingo, a 504 Plan includes modifications and accommodations drawn up by the teacher, parent, and school official, and is supposed to be honored as a legal document.  But you know what I realized?  A 504 Plan in the San Jose Unified School District, is a fucking Boy Scout Pledge.

Bella would bring home a TEN page Theme test that she had...gasp...failed, and I was asked to go over it with her at home, and fix the mistakes.  During that process, I asked her,

"Did the teacher give you extra time?"  NO.
"Was the test broken in to smaller pieces and given in chunks?"  NO.
"Did you feel overwhelmed, and you just filled in the bubbles and answers so you could be done?" (And make the torture STOP?)  Yes Mom, and then I had to still finish it during recess.

THAT is when I saw RED.  These were modifications that were clearly listed on Bella's 504 Plan, but either no one cared, or no one was paying attention.  And see, here is what really pisses me off.  I'm not fighting just for MY kids.  For every kid like Abby and Bella, who takes a little longer to complete work, and processes differently, there are at least 5 more kids just like them.

I became a full time Advocate/Master Communicator/Stalker, to ensure that while the teachers understood I was supporting them at home, I would be holding them accountable at school.  And if something like the prior ever happened again, you better be damn sure, you will be hearing from me about it.  And I probably wouldn't be wearing my patience panties.

BTW, teachers are a HUGE part of this equation.  For the amazing teachers out there, who are willing to teach to ALL kids abilities, I applaud, and thank, and love you. 

But having the twins in different classrooms each year, makes it nearly impossible NOT to compare teachers and styles.  Typically, Abby receives the fabulous teacher.  And Bella gets the one who is stuck in the Stone Age Days...resistant to change, resistant to incorporating new techniques, and resistant to using technology that is readily available to help kids learn!  It doesn't help my frustration level that I actually worked in the teaching profession.  And gosh, may know a thing or two, about how to effectively teach kids using different modalities.  For example, while teaching my 6th graders Vocabulary, we acted out the word, drew an illustration for the word, AND wrote out the definition for the word.  I know, crazy, huh?

Finally, I came to terms with the fact that I needed to revisit medication for Bella.  But I also realized that we would also benefit from counseling.  Through this process, Bella could learn coping strategies when she feels overwhelmed or frustrated.  So now, 2 months after starting,  when my 10 year old is having a "Postal" moment, she can identify her feelings, journal about them, and move on.  I don't know about you, but I was about 35 when I learned how to do that.  It doesn't hurt that Bella's counselor is a twin mom...she ROCKS.

We also have a phenomenal Psychiatrist, who is no-nonsense, like me.  She invested 90 minutes during our initial consultation, wanting to meet the entire family, and really talk to Bella.  This sat much better with me, than the initial 20 minute diagnosis, 2 years earlier.  Dr. F also has kids in SJUSD, and so we covetched.  She explained to me, that if I didn't mind essentially, being a pain in the ass, there were some other ways I could get Bella what she needed at school.  I liked this lady.  I liked her alot.  She was on OUR side.  She cared about my baby.  She wanted what was best for us.  And yes, it included a trial prescription of Adderrall.

For the first time ever, Bella feels good about school.  She doesn't dread it.  She is able to FOCUS.  She starts and finishes her homework.  Meltdowns still happen occasionally, but are infrequent.  It's not perfect, but just for a moment, I feel like I can breathe...Until one of the other girls will need me.  And they will.  It is such an interesting dance to be an advocate for one or two children, while not forgetting about where the others are. 

If anyone has figured out how to be  the perfect parent, without becoming a  full-fledged alcoholic, I would like to hear from you. 

But for those of you, who are struggling like I am, let's remember we are not alone.  More than anything else, we are here to support eachother. Without judgement, but rather, with love and understanding.   And I for one, can say, that I have felt this support from family and friends.  And it is the only thing that has gotten me through this endeavour, without jumping.