Not Enough Time In the Day

I have been feeling a lot of pressure lately.  Pressure to get it all done...from putting a hot breakfast on the table in the morning, to fitting in a work out, to attending basketball for the twins, to helping Emma make sure she has her Science Fair project completed.  Throw in the extra holiday festivities, food shopping, laundry that never ends, and taking on 2 new meetings at work.  Yep, I'm feeling it.

Speaking of work, Weight Watchers moved to a brand new facility in El Paseo, and guess who led the VERY first meeting there?  Yours truly.  And guess who was there watching my every move?  My boss.  And  you know what?   I bombed!  And that's being polite.  I floundered around the meeting room, unfamiliar with my new surroundings.  I struggled with the lesson information.  At one point, I even said, "I feel a bit dizzy.  Is it hot in here?"    I couldn't even fake it.  I just had an off morning.  I left feeling defeated, and beating myself up.  "That was stellar, Michelle.  She's probably wondering if you're even qualified to do this job.  You should have been more prepared.  You KNEW that stuff."

Fatigue.  Pressure.  Anxiety.  Shit, I need some Antivan...isn't that the happy pill that takes the anxiety away?  That's what I need!!  Or am I just making up medication names?

Anyhow, raise your hand if you feel like there's never enough time in the day.  


The topper of today was this:  I dropped my iphone, and it smashed into a thousand pieces.  MY FAULT.  I misplaced the bottom of the case about a month ago, and thought, "It'll be fine.  Pay 40 bucks for another case?  The phone is mostly protected...it'll be fine."  After talking to the nice Verizon phone insurance person  for 45 minutes, I was informed that my new phone will arrive via UPS, tomorrow.  I will be purchasing a case for it, pronto.  Lesson learned.

I know I should be "in the moment"...and thankful...and non-stressed. But sometimes, well sometimes, my perspective needs some fine-tuning.  Which is exactly what happened tonight.

Usually on Tuesday evening after I work, I go out and watch a movie.  All by myself.  And eat a medium sized  popcorn with butter in the middle AND on top.  All by myself.  But please don't ask me how many Points it is, because I don't have a clue.  But I can assure you:   it's A LOT.

Indeed, going to a show and inhaling a God-awful amount of buttered popcorn is a guilty pleasure.  But tonight, no movie.  Mama too tired.  Too many chores at the homestead calling my name.

As I walked through our front door, I found Tom finishing up with the dinner dishes.  I hadn't quite made it alllll the way into the kitchen,, when Emma came bounding in.

"Mom, you know the Adopt-A-Family for my class?"

In my mind, I was processing this information but kept my mouth shut. I thought, "Hey man, I got a gift for Cosette's Adopt-A-Family, so we're covered here.  Don't ask me to BUY anything else, or DO one more thing."

"Well Mom," Emma continued, eyes beginning to mist over, "the baby died, Mom.  The baby that was growing in her tummy, died, Mom.  It was their 4th child."

For a moment, I couldn't breathe.

"Oh honey, that is just so sad.  Come here Em."  She sobbed into my chest as we embraced.  I whispered, "Emma you know that their baby is with God, now.  It's okay.  But it is really sad, huh?  We can pray for their family Em, ok?"

"Okay Mom," she said, looking sad, and worried.

As Emma hobbled out of the kitchen to brush her teeth, I looked at Tom and said, "Well THAT sure puts it into perspective, doesn't it?"

He nodded in agreement, while saying nothing.  It was too much to take in.

 Life is precious.  So why am I so fucking worried all the time about getting it all done?  Big picture:  Appreciate my blessings.  Love deeply.  Recognize the nuggets of wisdom and joy as they are sprinkled on my path.  Pick them up.  Hold them.

And REMEMBER them...especially when I feel like there's not enough time in the day.

Haters Need Not Apply

Call it coincidence...or not, but I've been meeting a lot of really angry 50 something year old women lately.  I don't know why, but they want to let me know how much life sucks after 50.  They tend to look at me with disdain, like I'm really much too young at 39 years old, to even comprehend these horrors of which they speak.  50 and after bites in every way, shape and form, and I better get ready for it.

The following statements and the like, are usually being projected my way, "It's all downhill after 50.  Just wait, you'll see.  Losing weight is nearly impossible now that I am in my 50's.  Oh, and menopause doesn't help."

I mean, if we're talking boobies that touch yer knees...GOT EM!  If we're talking crow's feet and wrinkles...GOT EM.  If we're talking peeing your pants while laughing...happens more than I care to admit.

Maybe one day, I will be just as disheartened and pissed off.  But right now, right in this very moment, I believe that attitude and life perspective is INDIVIDUALLY based.  Is the glass half full?  Or half empty?

Oddly enough, I usually appreciate my life the most, when I hear of someone else's TRUE unfortunate circumstances.  Someone's husband has been diagnosed with cancer.  Someone's child is battling a mystery illness that has taken a toll on the entire family.  A mama of 3 young children is having health issues.

It is in these moments, I thank God for a loving husband, cheerful and healthy children, and an extended family that loves us more than I will ever understand.

 I am grateful for all that is right in my life, and the very little, that is wrong.

Every year, I enter a contest online to win dinner out and a limo ride through Vasona's Faaaaantasy of Lights.   If we want to continue being friends, you have to say it like I do...Faaaaantasy of Lights. Anyone who's experienced the Faaaaantasy, understands what a colorful Christmas light filled spectacle for the senses it truly is!

So anyhoo, there I am online, checking the times and dates for the Faaaaantasy, and there's the contest entry for dinner for 8, and a limo ride.  Every year, I type my name in, and I manifest positive thoughts, "This year, we're going to win."  And for 3 consecutive years, we haven't won Jack.  But it also hasn't kept me from re-entering.

Well guess what?  This year, WE WON!  The girls have NO idea, so Tom and I will be surprising them in the next few weeks with it  And I guarantee they will PEE their pants.  I will probably pee MY pants.

Positivity works!  But it is a conscious choice.  It doesn't happen by osmosis.  We must call it into our presence for ourselves, and those that we love.

 But most importantly, we must call it into existence for those who are angry and disgruntled with life.  It's a lesson I learned from my older brother just recently.

 Pray for those, for lack of a better term, you hate.  Or find really difficult to like.  Or have wronged you, and you just can't seem to forgive.   Pray that their hearts will turn to love.  Pray for them to be blessed. And in the process, your own heart will grow.

So I guess I better start now...praying for all the angry 50 year old women.  I'll do it, if you do!