After an undisclosed amount of time since my last eye visit (4 years), I successfully made an appointment for the Optometrist. (applause) Next, I actually went to the appointment! (more applause) The appointment ended with me getting my eyes dilated (BOO...HISS), and weaving out of the parking lot, looking much like Stevie Wonder.
So I met with Dr."Personality of a Chair" in the Optometry Department at Kaiser, Santa Theresa, yesterday. But not before having this epiphany at school 20 minutes prior to my appointment: children and my vision needs would most likely, NOT mesh well together. Why I didn't think of this like, yesterday, I have no idea. So I did what any ill-prepared mom in my position would: farmed them out to my amazing friends.
Because there is this unspoken thing that happens when moms go to our "appointments". We LIVE for the 5 minutes where we get to read Family Circle magazine in the waiting room. This, in and of itself, is like a mini-vacation. We sit, resting, idle, caught up in the latest Mac and Cheese recipe that PROMISES our kids WILL devour this meal, that (GASP) even has VEGETABLES hidden in it.
We sit, gathering our thoughts, with NO ONE needing us, or pulling on our coat strings. We sit, waiting patiently for our name to be called. All the while, we mindlessly flip though a magazine that MY MOM, and all the MOMS of my AMAZING friends used to subscribe to. A magazine that was clutched by another worn out and exhausted mom, probably just minutes before hearing her name.
See...that's the part where the mini-vacation ends. Our name is called, and one of the following ensues: getting drilled on at the dentist, having our cervix prodded with a speculum, or feeling like we may go blind from the stinging drops that go into our eyes before they are dilated.
Dr. Personality of a Chair: "Michelle Walsh?"
Me: "Yes, that's me."
Dr P.O.A.Chair: "Come right back here," he said, shuffling slowly, with no hint of excitement, whatsoever about me being there. "Have a seat, put your chin here. Look at the hot air balloon in the picture."
I followed directions, knowing full well, that Kaiser docs like to stay on a SCHEDULE. Code for: next patient is in 15 minutes. No problem, I thought. I appreciate the "in and out" mentality most days.
Dr.Shuffle Shuffle: "Look at the green-yellow light..." I stared, and before I knew what hit me, a puff of air hit my left eye like a ton of bricks. I wanted to yell out, "Well, God Damn Dr.Shuffle, you could have warned me!"
But see, I was ready for the other eye. In fact, I was so ready, I kept blinking, anticipating the horror of the air puff. He waited patiently, until I could blink no longer...PUFF.
I started to remember why I hadn't been to the eye doctor in a really long time.
Dr. Air Puff: "Stand up, and make your fist left into the room. Sit down, cover your left eye and tell me how low can you go?" I almost started singing "how low can you go?," but saw Dr.Chair meant business, when he turned out the lights, pointing to the eye chart.
For most folks, this would be no biggie, right? But my left eye is my lazy eye, and I feel BLIND when I cover it. If it gives you any indication of how much it sucks having lazy eye as a kid, I wore a patch for, well, far too long. As if I wasn't a big eough DORK wearing glasses. I also donned a patch. That, my friends, is a vision of loveliness. There...I admitted it. Now we're BFF's.
I was yearning to make a real-live human connection with this man. It appeared he hadn't laughed, much less smiled, in YEARS. I would be the one to make him laugh or smile! It was my mission while in his care. It's ON Dr.Serious Shuffle, I thought to myself.
Dr.Air Puff: "What's better, 1 or 2?" he asked, clicking the ginormous eye machine that was placed over my face.
Me: "1,"
Dr. 1 or 2: "This one or that one."
Me: "this one," And on it went like this for awhile. I made sure to really focus, so that God Forbid, Dr. Air Puff wouldn't have to ask me twice. I was not seeing ample opportunity to make this man smile in the near future.
Dr.Dread: "I see here that you haven't been to have your eyes checked in 4 years. When was the last time you had your eyes dilated?"
Me: "Um, well, I really hate having my eyes dilated. Do we REALLY have to do that today? I need to drive home, and..." grasping for straws.
Dr. Evil: "Lean back, this is going to sting a little."
WTF? Now I KNOW why I haven't been here in 4 years.
Dr.Burn in Hell:"You will lose reading vision. I will call you back in shortly."
I pulled out my iphone, and thought, this game isn't over, Dr.Psycho. You may have successfully put those damn drops in my eyes, but I am going to play Words With Friends, Mother Trucker.
By the time, I pulled the phone out of my purse, I couldn't even read the screen. I picked up Family Circle. I think there was a hand make crocheted afghan on the cover, but can't be sure. The rest is a blur. I couldn't even take advantage of picking out new glasses with no kids, because I could no longer SEE anything. I stumbled out of the building, stunned, blinded, and somewhat pissed off. But at least I checked the eye appointment off the list, right?
BTW, you will be happy to know, I show no signs of Glaucoma.
