Hmmm, quite a lot has happened since the last time I creatively vomited all over the paper as a cathartic outlet. Blogging is like the cheapest form of therapy on the planet. I constantly have all of these unbridled thoughts whizzing around in my head. It's like watching a tennis ball in Serena/Venus match. But when I spill my thoughts out in my blog, the pinging stops. For a moment in time, Serena and Venus embrace in a bear hug. Until new thoughts take their place. And then it's game on.
After it had been raining for the better part of the day on Monday, I saw a possible window of clear skies for a walk. I checked the weather on the end all-be all of knowledge: my iphone = 30% chance. You know what that means, right? 70% chance of NO rain. "Bring it. We'll totally make it back in time," I thought. Besides, I hadn't gotten a work out in that day, and I was more than ready to move and get outside by any means possible.
As I bundled up Charlie girl, and threw her in the jogger, Cosette rolled out her bike, and Abby laced up her shoes. "Let's go!" I said, and we headed out.
As we walked side by side, Abby asked, "Mom, what's your favorite holiday?" about a mile from home. Cozy shouted out, "I love THANKSGIVING because we get to EAT!!" as she navigated her bike between puddles. "Oh Gosh babe, I'm not sure," I answered, tired from the day, and not really wanting to think. So I turned to her and said, "What's your favorite?" What she said, still amazes me. "Well, I love Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. But I really love the parent days, like Mother's Day and Father's Day. Because that's when I really get to see you and dad happy." Oh my. I didn't expect my daughter to say that. I was stunned. Perspective is an amazing thing, isn't it?
It's funny how my perspective has changed over time. Cause see, for those of you that don't already know, my Mama was diagnosed with Stage 3 Lung Cancer a little over a month ago. That kind of news puts your shit in perspective, man.
Tom's work truck, which was parked on the street, got totaled by a hit and run driver. When we found out, we both sort of had the same reaction. "BFD." Like, my Mom... she has CANCER. Nothing is more important than the people in your life that you love.
When I found out that my mom was having a biopsy, I did what any daughter would do: waited out traffic, got in my car, and drove up to my folks house, un-announced, and un-invited. Quite honestly, I didn't know what their reaction was going to be, so I waited to call them...til I was basically standing outside the front door.
"You're WHERE? Oh Michelle, we don't even have any information right now. It's just a biopsy," Foxy explained, trying not to worry me. "Well, that's okay Mom. Because The Love Train is coming. And I can guarantee that you will be spending more one-on-one time with my brothers and I, than you ever dreamed possible. Mom, this is how I'm choosing to love you today. Take my love, and run with it."
That was Tuesday. Wednesday she had the biopsy. Thursday we found out it was cancer. I stayed for a week. How could I leave?
In just a month and a half, the world, as I know it, has changed dramatically. Foxy has a tumor that is growing in her right lung; it's bigger than a golf ball, but smaller than a tennis ball. Although the cancer has not spread to her brain, it has traveled to a lymph node in the center of her chest, that just happens to be located next to her windpipe. And so the treatment plan looks like this: 2 rounds of Chemo, 3 weeks apart to shrink that GD tumor, and eradicate the cancer that has spread. After another PET Scan, we faithfully pray that Foxy can then undergo surgery to remove the tumor. If the Chemo fails to do anything, it doesn't make sense to operate. But we don't go THERE!
The most difficult times for me, was knowing when my mom was in pain. I grieved the nights when she slept fitfully, changing positions constantly throughout the night, trying to ease the pressure of that stupid tumor. The day of the Pet Scan, when she had to be absolutely still, and they couldn't give her anything to ease the discomfort. And the MRI....torture. I have never felt so utterly helpless and useless at the same time.
But do you want to hear something crazy? During most of this difficult time, I have felt oddly peaceful. I can only attest this calm to one thing: God's love.
Maybe you haven't felt God's love recently, or you feel as though he has forgotten you. Or maybe you have just never been taught who he is, and are a bit skeptical, but a little bit curious. I'm standing beside you today, to say GOD's love for us is REAL.
Have you ever been outside somewhere, and felt teeny tiny? Seen something and it absolutely takes your breath away? Met someone, and felt lighter just being with them? That's when we say, "Man, there is something bigger than me that is responsible for this greatness". No matter if you call it a him or a her. No matter if you're Christian or Jewish. No matter if you believe in Buddha or Jesus. No matter if you don't have a name for it at all.
God's love is unconditional and real. And it is the ONLY thing that gives me comfort when my world is spinning out of control. So I've learned to be still, shut up, and listen to the whispers that come to me, as God's guidance and direction. And one of those voices told me to pack differently for my second trip.
My second visit was more planned out, prior to Mom's first Chemo treatment. And I was fully prepared with the following: 2 changes of clothes, work out clothes, toiletry bag, smutty magazines, and pot brownies Hey man, don't knock it, til your mom has pain and has been diagnosed with Cancer. Besides, chances are, if you're reading my blog, you've tried dope. And if you haven't, you really should....responsibly!
Respectfully, Mom and Dad wanted to get the "okay" from the doctors to use THC to ease the nausea, aide with pain, increase her appetite, and help Foxy induce sweet slumber. And I am here to tell you this: when I arrived, mom was taking 4 pain pills per day. Fast forward 2 weeks, and she's off all pain meds.
She's high as a kite, but who can blame her? JUST KIDDING, MOM!!! In fact, I told her before I left, "Mom, if you're thinking about applying for a new job right now, don't expect to pass the drug test." She laughed. My mom who has NEVER done any drug in her life. My mom who has a glass of wine when she's feeling "crazy". My mom who is going to kick Cancer's ass...
This is what I know: nothing is promised. Each moment we have is a gift. I'm blessed beyond words with my family and friends. I love the time that Foxy and I have spent together. And I look forward to styling her wig, rubbing her achy feet, and possibly sharing a brownie or two.
By the way, for those of you who are interested, I will be organizing a "Foxy Trot" walk in the near future. I was thinking all finishers should receive a brownie. Who's game?
